Parallels
by Evroe
Summary: Patsy arrives back home. Patsy POV


Parallels

I stepped off the boat and promptly had to sit down on a bench for a few moments before I was able to contemplate standing up again, let alone steel myself to make the journey home. After the grueling, month-long sea journey I had just completed, I keenly felt my exhaustion hit me, resulting in an extreme unsteadiness on my legs. Fellow passengers were met with delighted family and friends after they had alighted the boat. I watched them with a pang of longing in my chest for the comfort and love they now felt in their hearts. Tears pricked at the corners of my eyes, I wiped them away clumsily with the back of my hand. I felt as lonely and bewildered as a small child; I felt exactly like I had when I made this journey for the first time all those years ago.

A fragmented memory of my mother and sister's faces appeared in my mind and I felt a renewed pain at the ancient loss, as sharply as if it had happened just now. In my tired and hopeless state I openly wept for all I had lost: my beloved mother and sister; my childhood, my innocence; and now my father.

And now my father had died. The only person I had left with the same blood as me. A long time ago I had realized that the reason I could not bring myself to see my father often was that he was a painful reminder of a happier time. I knew that he sent me away to boarding school for the very same reason. It wasn't as if we did not love each other because it was quite the opposite. It was because we loved so much that seeing each other was too painful to bear.

He had left me a small fortune. Although, I had had a long time to think about this new situation I found myself in; I absolutely hadn't paid any mind to it. It was as if allowing myself to think about it was to acknowledge that I was truly the only one left. I could not do that on my own.

When I arrived in London as a child I managed to find my way and I knew I would again. I tried to regain my composure by taking a few deep breaths and wiping the remainder of the tears from my face. I knew I must look a fright, so I patted by shirt down and straightened my collar and made sure my hair was in place. I tested my legs, and finding a certain steadiness, decided that it was time to go home.

I walked the well-worn path from the docks to Nonnatus with a melancholic, heavy heart. What I had endlessly been thinking about for the past month was what I had left behind. My time with my father was harrowing, he was so unwell and I could sense that he was ready to die now that I had arrived. Seeing him again was no less painful for me that it had always been, and watching him fade away felt like my heart was being torn to pieces again. I wasn't prepared for how much seeing him die would affect my ability for forming rational thoughts - I had left Hong Kong as soon as I could respectfully do so and in all my haste I hadn't written or called Delia to tell her I was coming back. It wasn't as if I didn't want to, I just couldn't think about anything outside of what was happening immediately around me. After he had gone everything fell to me to organize, the funeral, the house in Hong Kong and the staff. I was thrown into discussions with lawyers, the bank and executives about the business, it was all happening so fast and I was so mentally drained. After the affairs were arranged and taken care of, I just wanted to escape as fast as I could. I knew it was a mistake and I knew I would have to try to explain it.

On the boat I had time enough to think about Delia's absence after her accident and how I felt when I hadn't known if she was even alive for months. I remembered the utter devastation in my heart at the ruination of our plans, our happiness together and the not knowing. When I didn't hear from her for endless months I was bereft and began to wonder if I would ever be happy again until that day I randomly looked upon her from the bus.

I watched her wander around the carousel, she looked like a ghost; there but not. Like what she had described to me once, what had said she didn't want us to be. I promised her that we wouldn't be ghosts and yet here she was, walking through the crowd as though she had disappeared. Like that light had gone out of her. And I had done it. My heart crumbled.

It struck me that I was standing in the very place that Delia had sprung from when she reappeared from her accident. As I put my case down, I briefly thought that when we stood here last time it was me looking for an explanation now I was preparing to make one myself. As if on cue, Delia glanced toward the tunnel and her eyes set upon me. He recognition was instant and she looked so surprised. In my exhausted state I limply waved. After a small hesitation she started towards me with purpose. My heart beat faster with a roused energy that came from the anticipation of this longed for moment. As she emerged from the shadow of the tunnel, her face revealed an understandable look of consternation as she steadfastly looked straight past me. I hopelessly tried to catch her eye as she forcefully grabbed my hand and pulled me to the small space at the end of the tunnel. I stumbled to keep up and I knew this wasn't going to be easy. She spun me around so that we now faced each other for the first time in months. And that's when she looked right into my eyes - at my soul - this was going to take much more than I had prepared for. She looked so hurt. I had imagined explaining myself to her thousands of times over and every time she would understand and it would all be ok, instead under her accusatory gaze, I felt like a naughty school girl and all of a sudden my well worked out speech was gone, instead replaced with a meager attempt at a defense of my behaviour.

"I got on the boat the day after his funeral." I tried.

She wasn't impressed and she slightly shook her head. "I didn't know…" she faltered. "I didn't know you were coming back." She managed through gritted teeth.

"I did." I said quickly and resolutely. It was true, "I always did." Imploringly.

Her jaw relaxed slightly and she was searching my face for something and I knew that I needed to make things better. I needed to prove it. I looked at her and realized that I didn't care about anything else in the world more than this wonderful creature in front of me and I knew then that I would do anything to make everything right again… "And wherever I go next," I continued, "You're coming with me." With a mix of desperation, love and desire, before really I knew what I was doing, I grabbed the lapel of her coat and pulled her towards me. I kissed her like my life depended on it because at that moment, it did. She responded instantly bringing her hand to my face and I knew that the anxiety and fear she was feeling was making way for relief. I brought my tired arm up around her shoulder as if to demonstrate my sentiment – I wouldn't let her go.

She broke the kiss as if she suddenly remembered where we were. A smile twitched at the corners of her mouth and she pushed herself away the look she gave me said all I needed to see for now. As she turned to go back, I couldn't help the old habit of checking to see if anyone saw but I didn't really care. I put my hands in my coat pockets as I watched Deels bend to pick up my bag I gave her all of my exhausted attention, which was nothing less than she deserved.


End file.
